Two Poems

Because why not?

Happy New Year, beloved Substackers!

Before we get started today, I wanted to take a moment to sincerely thank everyone who subscribes to this. I started a Substack because I loathe having to use social media to peddle my jokes, but writing is something I’ve always enjoyed. A Substack felt like a way to force myself to write more often, while also selling my comedy wares in a relatively non-whorish way.

This feels more true to who I am.

In a way the whole endeavor reminds me of Faherty Brand clothing, a family-run brand rooted in purpose, and built without compromise. Utilizing natural indigo dyes, and distinctive prints, Faherty really inspires people to live fully through moments that matter and choices that last.

But enough about Faherty’s killer post-holiday sales, it’s a new year, and it’s time to set some new goals. And what should those goals be?

Poetry, of course!

You want to climb to the top of the comedy mountain, there’s only two paths: a blog, or poetry.

And I’m fitting to walk both those crazy roads.

So, in true vision-board fashion, I’m declaring 2026 to be the year I write more poems.

Not kidding.

I’ve written poems in the past, had one published in a lit mag awhile back, and it really inspired me to keep going. But I have zero diligence. I never wake up and set out to write a poem, I just occasionally follow through whenever the seed of an idea presents itself.

Maybe this year I can be more deliberate. Ultimately, I’d like to put out a little collection. Nothing fancy, a zine more than anything, but that’s always been a goal of mine. I’ve already got eight or nine poems penned, why not try to double that in 2026, then put something out?

Then I can try to sell it after shows at the merch table, and watch everyone walk by, confused.

Wait, I just watched you do an hour of stand up that had nothing to do with poetry, and now you’re selling me a book of poetry?

Exactly! And while you’re here, sign up for my Substack!

With that in mind, I’d like to share two poems that I wrote with you now. As a way of holding myself accountable to this goal.

The first one is kind of funny. The second one is kind of sad.

Enjoy!

burden fish

my wife’s mom 
got us some fish
that we didn’t ask for

so? 
these fish? 
what of them? 

well, we named them
all four of them

Dorothy
Delbert
Leroy
Robert De Niro 
the Fish

they swam around 
their gloomy tank
until one disappeared

I liked them less after that
damned cannibal fish
you are not the type of fish 
who are supposed 
to eat other fish
yet here you are
devouring each other 
pig fuck fish

then we had three fish 
that swam around
their gloomy tank
until we found one dead 
on the carpet
below
hurled itself to its death
out of ennui 
a piscine suicide 

I liked that fish more 
after that
it had depth
contained multitudes 

then I wondered 
if that’s what happened 
with the previous missing fish
and maybe the dog ate it 
before we ever found it
which meant the other fish 
weren’t killers
just horrified onlookers

the experience softened me
with regard to 
the two remaining fish
who seemed content 
enough
circling the murky tank
with the half working filter
in the nook, off the kitchen

fed on Tuesdays 
and Thursdays
by the children 
at first with interest
which waned
then by my wife
with disinterest
which persisted 
until the tank started leaking
onto all the internet shit 
below
the flashing lights 
and boxes

our four year old 
was at school
at the time
our two year old 
came over
wet
we saw the water 
trickling from the tank 
and knew 
the time to rid ourselves 
of these fish
that we never asked for
was now

no questions 
from the eldest
this way
no horror, or betrayal 
on his face
we would lie
tell him the tank broke
an emergency
a good friend 
agreed to take the fish
to a fish farm 
in the country
a fish paradise
fish Elysium
every fish 
should be so lucky
we even named 
this fictional friend
Brian 
Brian would take these fish 
to a glorious underwater sanctum

but instead 

the two remaining fish
were placed into a Tupperware
that I drove to the park
where I headed to the lake
and poured them in

I watched their shock
their darting heads 
as they appraised their 
new surroundings
new worlds

then swam

fare the well
Dorothy or
Delbert or
Leroy or
Robert De Niro 
the Fish

I saw one final 
flash of orange 
then they were gone
into the depths
where they will 
no doubt
become food 
for other fish
lake fish
ducks 
cormorants

unless they don’t 

unless they survive 
thrive
become kings 
of their new domain
the things 
they’ve witnessed 
already
maybe it prepared them
steeled them
these fish are tough
they’re fighters
survivors

at the very least
I thought
as I darted back to my car
lest I attract the attention
of a park ranger
catch a ticket
for promulgating
invasive species

at the very least 
these fish
will finally have 
their great adventure

“Passive Aggressive Goldfish,” by Malcolm Cayton-Holland

And now for the next poem!

so much left to miss

will I miss reading in bed
every night
while she brushes her teeth
naked

will I miss the evenings 
slumped on the couch
kids finally down
exhausted
watching Survivor

the way she always 
wore her black hat
and black glasses
to the coffeeshop
like she was dodging paparazzi

will I miss the day 
we put the hammock 
out for the season
and lay together 
side by side
with our eyes closed 

will I miss her 
repotting the plants
for hours
listening to 
murder podcasts

how she traded
all the chemicals 
and plastics
for organics
and glass 

will I miss this life
we built together

music classes
morning drop offs
pull up diapers
light up shoes
babysitters

so we can  
sneak to dinner
talk about
how old we feel 
though later we’ll say
we were in our prime

will I miss the way 
our sons required
all of us
took all of us
every day
ruthlessly
as it should be 
how it was a lot
but it was okay
because it was us
me and her

the way it was
on that beach 
her shielding us
from the sun 
with an umbrella
as the bride came out 
to the theme song 
from Jurassic Park

the way it was when we 
went to lunch together
our first “date”
I chose the place
and I asked her 
where she would have chosen
and she said Pizza Hut

the way it will just be us
through beeping machines
and terrified glances
that we hope the doctors 
don’t see
just us through 
social security
beneficiaries 
and estates

until one day
it will just be 
one of us
alone
no us
just one
wondering when 
when it will be us
again

smile
don’t dwell
you’re so negative

there still so much 
left to miss

---

January Shows!

Hope you enjoyed those poems, gang. Now to write more of them. And honestly, something that always puts me in that poetic frame of mind is hitting the road, like some sort of starry-eyed beatnik, who passes out after four IPA’s.

Ohio! You’re up first! Two shows in Cleveland, two shows in Cincinnati! Jan 9, Jan 10th. Here’s a dope flyer! Get tickets below it!

January 9 - Cleveland, OH - Hilarities - Tix

January 10 - Cincinnati, OH - The Comet - Tix

Then, as some of you may or may not know, my beloved monthly Grawlix show, the one that I have run with Ben Roy and Andrew Orvedahl for over 75 years now, will be switching to every other monthly this year. That means, there will be a Grawlix the last Saturday of every other month starting in January. March show, May show, etc. It sound confusing, but it isn’t! Just look at this sweet new poster that Geoff Tice designed, it explains everything!

So good. The first 2026 Grawlix entry comes in the form of our January 31st show. We’ve invited our dear friend Dave Hill to come headline this one, and Dave does nothing but melt faces. Consequently, about half the tickets are sold already. If you want to get a ticket to this one, better get it now. For real. The link is below this sweet graphic that the homey Karen Wachtel designed to hype each individual show. Check it out.

January 31 - Denver, CO - The Bug Theater - Tix

Hope to see you there!

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Movie News!

The movie that I wrote, See You When I See You, will premier at the Sundance Film Festival! I’m absolutely over the moon. I was a film major, I grew up going to indie movies, to say I have a movie at Sundance is still mind-blowing to me. Literal dream come true. The film is based off my memoir, Tragedy Plus Time, and it is directed by Jay Duplass, who absolutely crushed this thing. I’m truly thrilled for people to see this movie.

---

The Monthly Clip

God damn, Adam. Great clip. Way to go.

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Before you go, give the ole socials a follow

Also, I’ve started posting my shows on PunchupLive. I post a few clips there I don’t post anywhere else, and if you toss them your email, you’ll get one in return when I’m performing in your area. If that sounds like your cup of tea, follow me on there!

Another sincere thanks to you for reading this. If you feel like sharing, or subscribing, or paying to subscribe, by all means! Every little bit helps.

Hope to see you at a show soon, and Happy 2026!