The Boy
A short story by Adam Cayton-Holland
The Boy
The boy is back again.
He’s not the biggest boy, not the smallest boy, but he’s not a baby. He doesn’t drink from a bottle. If you lift him out of his stroller, he doesn’t melt into a pile.
The boy walks. The boy talks. If he wants. Most of the time the boy says nothing.
Most of the children scream, bang on the glass. They make so much noise.
The boy is quiet. It is better to be quiet.
I heard someone say he’s four.
The boy.
The boy comes maybe every seven sleeps. Maybe every ten or twelve sleeps. It’s hard to keep track. The sleeps blend together. Like a dream about nothing. But I always look for the boy. Every day. Because he is my favorite boy. And I am his favorite gorilla.
I know that I am his favorite gorilla because every time he visits me, he brings his gorilla, a pretend one, that the boy can carry in his hands.
The pretend gorilla’s arms move. Its legs move. Its head can turn all the way around in a circle. The first time the boy showed me this I could not believe it. My head cannot turn all the way around in a circle. So why does this pretend gorilla have a head that can do that?
When the boy showed me this, I tried to turn my head in a circle, but I had to stop. I could not turn it anymore. What if my head fell off? The little boy laughed. Then I laughed. Then everyone laughed. And they all ran over to see. And they flashed their camera lights. And they screamed. And they pounded the glass and pointed at me and the boy.
There was so much noise.
The boy did not like the noise. He did not like the other little boys on top of him. He screamed so loud. I had never heard the boy scream so loud. And he hit the other little boys. And girls. And he looked like he wanted to kill them. He showed his teeth and he lunged at them.
The woman who was with him, the woman who always looks at the machine in her hand, she grabbed the boy. She grabbed the boy, and she said no. She said no, no, no, no. She was so mad. And she threw the boy in his stroller. And the boy screamed and cried and kicked, and she pushed the stroller away fast. With the boy in it. And I could hear him screaming as she pushed the stroller away fast. I could hear him all the way until I could not hear him anymore. And I didn’t see the boy again for many sleeps.
I felt so sad for the boy.
But today I feel happy for the boy.
It’s cold outside. And when it’s cold outside not a lot of people come. But the boy is here. There are no other boys here. Or girls. It’s just me and the boy. The woman who brings the boy is here too. She is sitting on the bench, looking at her machine. So, me and the boy are together. Just us.
He sits by the glass, and I sit by the glass. He puts his hand up to the glass, and I put my hand on top of his hand, on the other side of the glass. His hand is so tiny in my hand. He takes it down, then he puts it up again. He takes it down, then he puts it up again. Over and over and over he does this. So, I do it too.
It makes him happy, and I like to make the boy happy. He does it for so long I get tired of doing it. But I still do it even though I think the boy should stop. I wonder if there is something wrong with the boy. He doesn’t seem like the other boys. But that is why he is my favorite boy. So, I keep doing it. It makes him happy, and I like to make the boy happy.
After a while he stops doing the game with our hands. Then he unzips his coat pocket. It takes a long time, but he does it. He gets frustrated but he does it. He can do it by himself. I watch him. Good job, boy, I say to him with my eyes. He smiles, proud.
He takes out a rock. It is a small rock. He shows it to me. Puts it up against the glass. I touch it, through the glass, with my fingertip. It is just a rock. I have many rocks like it in here, in my enclosure. There is nothing different about this rock. But the boy keeps showing it to me. I touch it, through the glass, over and over. It makes him happy, and I like to make him happy. For the little boy this rock is special. So, for me the rock is special too.
Sometimes I wish the little boy was my baby.
I know it is impossible, but I still wish it.
I had a baby once. With Kwasi.
They brought Kwasi into the zoo. He wasn’t here until one day he was. For me, they said. For us. They wanted us to have a baby. And that was okay with me. I was ready. I wanted to have a baby.
At first, they kept Kwasi apart from us. But we could see him, in the back, through the bars. He looked scared. And sad. Parts of his body had no hair. On his back, and on his arms. And on those parts his arms looked like human arms.
Slowly, they allowed Kwasi into the enclosure. For a few minutes at a time. Then for longer. The man with the gun that shoots the sharp darts would always watch over Kwasi. But Kwasi was fine. He just stayed by himself.
Soon he started to be with us. And he told us about where he was from.
Kwasi was also from a zoo, but he said it was a bad zoo. Not like our zoo. His zoo was across the water. He said that zoo had no big enclosures like our zoo. No trees, no grass, you could not see the sky. It was just like all the cages in the back of our enclosure. Where they put us when it’s too cold. When our feet touch the ground and hurt because it’s so cold. Except Kwasi had to stay in his cage all the time.
He said the men there would hit him. And all the other gorillas. With big sticks and bats. I asked why they would hit them. Was he bad? Did he also hit them?
He said that is just what men do.
Then Kwasi would go away. In his eyes.
One night, Kwasi climbed onto my back, and we made a baby. It was loud and it was fast, and it was rough and I did not like but I knew it was what I needed to do to have my baby. And then it was over.
The next morning, I could tell that it had worked. That I would have a baby grow inside of me. I was so happy.
Kwasi climbed on my back a few more times, but when he knew that I had a baby growing inside of me he left me alone. And that was okay with me.
Many sleeps later I had Teshi.
That’s what the keepers called him. Teshi. That was okay with me. It did not matter what the humans called him. He was my baby. He was silly, and he was beautiful, and he liked to learn things. Like the boy.
On the other side of our enclosure is a street. You can just barely see it when you climb to the top of the tallest tree in our enclosure. Beyond the street is green grass. And there are little vehicles that drive all over it. And humans get out of the vehicles and hit tiny white balls with sticks.
Sometimes the balls fly into our enclosure. Not always. But sometimes. They are hard. And if they hit you, it hurts so bad. You must watch out for the balls.
When the humans hit the balls into our enclosure, the keepers will come for them. They will collect them. But if you collect the white balls for the keepers, they will give you a treat.
When the first ball flew into our enclosure Teshi was so surprised. His eyes were so big. It makes me laugh to think about his big eyes. He wondered what is this. I showed him how the ball is not like a rock. It is something the humans made. It is a perfect circle. And Teshi played with the ball and threw it off the walls, off tree trunks, and it bounced crazy. One bounce hit him right in his face and he cried, and I told him, see? These balls are hard. And they can hurt you. Be careful.
Then the keeper came. And I took the ball. And I gave it to the keeper. And the keeper gave me fruit. My favorite fruit. The keepers call it kiwi. It has brown on the outside, that is rough, and green on the inside, that is soft. With black too. Black seeds inside. It is my favorite. Then she even gave some kiwi to Teshi. And I showed him that if you give the keepers these white, hard, bouncy balls, they will give you kiwi. And then it was Teshi’s favorite fruit also.
A few sleeps later, another white ball flew into the enclosure. Teshi ran and got it. Before I could stop him, he put the ball in his mouth. I said no, Teshi! Do not eat this ball. You will choke. Teshi broke it with his teeth, into many pieces. Then when the keeper came Teshi ran over to her. And he gave her one tiny piece. She laughed at him. What a smart gorilla she said! And she gave him kiwi. For just the one piece! Then Teshi got another of the many pieces of the small white ball and he gave it to the keeper too. And she gave him more. She called him so clever. Because in this way he was able to get many kiwi.
Lots of people came to see Teshi. One day a big picture of him hung on the wall across from the enclosure. The zoo was proud of him. I was also proud of him. He was my beautiful, clever baby. All the children loved Teshi. He would go by the glass, and they would scream and push each other. They were so loud. And Teshi would be silly for them. And they would be even louder. And flash all their lights.
One night, I woke up to the sound of Teshi screaming. I can still hear the sound. Kwasi was chasing after him. Kwasi looked like I had never seen him before. He was crazy. Teshi was running and running but Kwasi caught him. And he beat on him. He beat on him way too hard. He was just a baby.
I attacked Kwasi and Kwasi beat on me. So hard. And I screamed and Teshi screamed and Kwasi screamed, and it was so loud, and I thought I will kill him. I will kill Kwasi right now. And I bit him, and I beat him and I beat him. And the men with the guns came. And they shot me with the darts. They shot us all with the darts. So many. And the darts hurt, but then I just felt nothing. I felt nothing and a sleep spread inside my body.
And when I woke up Kwasi was gone.
And Teshi was gone.
And that is just how it is in here.
I wanted to die. I wished Teshi was still alive.
But Ayana said I should not for wish that. And now she gets angry if I wish for that. She says that Teshi is not alive, and I am alive, and that is how it is.
So, I do not tell her anymore. But I still wish it. Every day I wish it.
Ayana does not talk very much, only sometimes. At night. After the howler monkeys have finally stopped howling and the zoo is empty and quiet.
Ayana talks about the time before the zoo, a time I never knew. I was born here. But I know this is not where gorillas live. Ayana tells me this. She tells me about the jungle. How you could run and run forever, and there were no walls, only jungle, and other gorillas. Brothers and sisters and cousins. Family.
She says there was every type of fruit you could imagine. Berries, bananas, figs, oranges, guavas. Not just on special days, like here. Like when you give them the perfect white balls. Or on days when they give you shots of the medicine, or when they make you stand on the machine that shows your numbers.
Ayana says where she was born, there were no shots, just fruit, and bamboo, and snails. Ayana says the trees were enormous. Way bigger than the trees here. Way bigger than the tree where you can see the street, and the green grass beyond, and the men hitting the white balls with their sticks. She says you could climb high into the trees where she lived, and look out, and all you could see was more trees. Forever. And you knew that there were more gorillas underneath those trees. Gorillas for as far as your eyes could see.
But that was before the men in the loud cars, and the nets, and the cages, and the gigantic machine that was so loud she thought she was going to explode. The machines that we see flying over our enclosure every day, so high up. Higher even then the birds.
Then Ayana stops talking.
Then it is just me by myself again. Which is mostly how it is in here. I am alive, like Ayana says. I try to remember that. My baby is dead, and I am alive, and there is nothing that I can control.
I am just here. When the birds with the red bellies return the snow will stop. When the noisy black and white birds fill the sky, the snow will return. Besides that, nothing changes in here.
So, I wait for the boy.
And when he comes those are good days. Those are days that I am happy I am here still.
Like now. Like today.
What? What’s that, boy? You don’t want to play by this glass anymore?
Okay, silly. Let’s go that way. I’ll follow you.
Okay. I am here now. Yes, I can see you. Can you see me? I see you on the other side of the moat. I see you waving. I will wave back to you.
Hello, boy!
I see you. You are right there, by the fence. Good to see you over here now. Not by the glass anymore, but now over here.
Wait, what are you doing, silly? Do not climb the fence. No, no, boy. Don’t do that. Stay on the other side of the fence. What you are doing is not safe.
Boy!
Boy, stop it!
There you go. Sorry to frighten you, but don’t be silly, boy. Just stop there and climb back over the fence, back to your woman. That’s right, boy. That is a good boy. Turn around, it’s too steep, down into the moat. And you can get hurt. The concrete is so hard. If you were to fall, you would—
Boy! Boy, no!
NO!
Oh no.
Oh no no no no no no.
Stay there, boy!
I’m coming for you! Just stay right there. Look at your leg, boy. It’s bent backwards. Don’t touch it. Just stay where you are, boy. Ssh, ssh, don’t scream. I’m coming for you. I will help you. I will climb down into the moat too. Here I come, boy. Here I come, baby.
There.
Mama has got you now. Come here. Just lay in my arms. Ssh, you are okay. The humans will come soon, and they will help you. They will fix this leg. They will make it like it was before. You are young. You will heal well, boy. You just wait. You just wait and be calm and let me hold you. There you go, boy. That’s it. Stop crying. Good boy. That is my good boy.
What do you need? To give me something? The rock? You sweet boy. You want me to have it? Okay, boy. Okay, silly. I will take it. I have many rocks like this rock, but I will take it. If it makes you happy, I will take it. This is my favorite rock now. Thank you so much, boy. It is a lovely rock. You’re doing so good, boy. Just keep staying calm. This will all be over soon.
Woman! Woman, no!
Stop screaming! You are making the boy scared. When you scream, it makes him scream. And struggle. And that hurts his leg, woman. So, stop it! Boy, tell your woman to stop screaming. Tell her mama has you now, and I will keep you safe, until the humans come to fix you.
There they are now! What did I tell you, boy? The humans are here now, and they will take you to fix your leg. Here comes the keeper and…the men with guns?
Why do the men with guns come?
There is nothing wrong. No animals have escaped. No animals are being bad. I have the boy and I will give him to you. Come take him. I will not make it difficult.
Ow! Ow, ow!
Stop! Stop shooting me with the darts! Stop it! I’m only trying to help my boy!
These darts feel…different.
The other darts hurt when they hit you, but then there was no pain after. Only sleep. But these still hurt. So bad. I can feel the hurt spreading through my body.
What is happening? Why does this hurt so bad? Please make it stop. Please make it stop.
I must lie down. I can’t, I can’t.
Wait, now I feel the sleep. The sleep spreading through my body. It is so heavy. This sleep…feels heavy.
I see you, Tashi.
Is that you?
Here.
Take this kiwi. No, you have it. It is my favorite, but you are my favorite, so I want you to have it. It has brown on the outside, that is rough, and green on the inside, that is soft. With black too. Black seeds inside. And it is for you, my clever Tashi.
Tashi! Where did you go?! Where are you?!
I can see the trees. They go on forever. Ayana was right. They are so beautiful.
Boy!
Hello. Yes. I see you. Hello, boy. Hello, my good boy.
Go with the humans now. Don’t cry, boy. Just go. I must rest. They will fix you. Do not fight them. Stop it, boy. Do not try to stay with me. You belong with them. They will fix you. Good as new, boy.
Good as new, Tashi.
Your rock? Yes. Of course, I still have your rock. I will treasure it. It is my favorite rock. I have it right here, in my hand, silly.
See?
I will keep it here. I will squeeze it so tight. No one will ever take it away from me. I will hold it for you, boy. Always. Until we see each other again.
May Shows
Now, who’s ready for comedy?!
For reals, though, hope you enjoyed reading that story. One of my favorite things about doing this Substack is that it can be whatever I want it to be, so I appreciate the opportunity to share some writing besides essays.
And now, a hard-pivot to hyping this month’s shows.
This just in: I’m doing not one, but two shows, at one of my absolute favorite comedy clubs in the country, The Comedy Fort, in scenic downtown Fort Collins. Saturday, May 16th. Come on out, Northern Colorado!
May 16 - Fort Collins, CO. The Comedy Fort (tix)
The riff-tacular extravaganza that is Movie Night has sold out our last four humble offerings in a row. Which means it’s probably a good idea to snag tickets now, while they’re piping hot. Next one is May 20th. Hope to see you there!
May 20 - Denver, CO - The Bug Theater - Tix
Then I’m very excited to headline my home club Comedy Works on Thursday, May 28th. DENVER FOLK: if you’ve been wanting to see me do my hour, this is the show to get tickets to! I’m told they’re selling well, so snag them before they’re gone? Let’s try that again, snag them before they’re gone! Exclamation point. Not a question mark.
May 28 - Denver, CO. Comedy Works (downtown, duh). Tix
Then it’s on to…
Movie News
See You When I See You will be screening at the Mendocino Film Festival, in beautiful Mendocino, California, home to the world famous sandwich farm. I’ll be doing a Q and A after the screening and I cannot wait to check out the festival. I hear nothing but great things. Our screening is on Saturday, May 30th.
May 30th - Mendocino, CA. Mendocino Film Festival. Tix.
The Monthly Clip
God damn, Adam. That was nuts. Way to go.
Thanks for reading my Substack. If you enjoy it, tell a friend!