Do I Have A Minute?!

You better believe I have a minute!

Adam Cayton-Holland

Apr 01, 2025

Yeah I got time for a survey. What the F else am I doing, random e-mail in my Inbox?

And I get entered into a contest for free tickets after? For the Denver Nuggets? My favorite team in sports?

Doy. Doy hickey.

Let’s do this thang.

Sex/Age.

Male. 44.

Shit, this is easy.

How many games have I attended this season?

Four. But I’m hoping for five after I crush this survey! Hahahahaha. Put in a good word, okay?

How many games have I watched on television this year?

Throw me right in that 41+ category, homeboy! I try to watch every single game. Obviously, if I have plans or whatever, I usually don’t see that game, but I’m a super fan. I generally try not to plan things around the game. My wife is pretty cool about it, honestly. She usually hangs around for the first half, folds laundry or dicks around on her phone or whatever. Then she goes up to bed. I don’t think there’s any resentment there. I mean, she’s a fan too, but there’s, like 80+ regular season games. And it’s not like we’re talking a ton during the game. It’s more just kind of me yelling stuff about basketball. Not really a conversation. Pretty much a one-way street.

A one-way street to a Nuggets W!!!

Which I generally celebrate alone. Because she’s asleep by then.

Anyway, yeah, definitely watch 41+ games a year. Check.

Am I more likely to try a brand or service that I haven’t tried because they’re associated with the Nuggets?

Pfft. Yeah. Totally Like those sweet Breckenridge Brewery cans with the old school city skyline logo on them?! I fuck with those big time. And that’s only because they’re associated with the Nuggets. The flavor is meh, meh-plus, but I saw those bad boys at Ball Arena, and I was like, oh hell yes! And I looked them up to see if they were sold in stores, and I saw that they were, but I could never find them. Anywhere. But then my neighbor texted me that he was at an Albertson’s by the Jewish Community Center, and they had them! So I went over there right then and there and bought a twelve pack. And I guard those fuckers. Special occasions only.

So yeah, solid marketing. You got me, you ole so-and-so’s!

What’s the official hard seltzer of the Nuggets?

Geez I have no idea. I don’t touch those things. I honestly don’t get it. Whatever happened to just slamming as many beers as you can? That’s what kids have been doing forever. That’s what you do. But now these kids drink glorified fruit juice and call it a party. I feel the same way about hard seltzers as I do about EDM: it’s stupid and you’re wrong.

Fuck my back hurts. I was on the road for a few days, and I find anytime I switch mattresses my spine straight up howls at me. It settles down after a few days, but fuck me, it going right now. Capital G, going! Hold on, I’m going to pop some ibuprofen. BRB.

K. I’m back. Sorry it took so long. Had to go get some water. I can’t swallow pills without water. I don’t know how people do that. You ever try it? They get like halfway down your throat then just park in your esophagus. Then you have to contort your neck like an an accordion or a bobblehead, and just to try to glug glug those suckers down, but even when you do, it still feels like one is taped to the back of your sternum, and it just sits there for hours, dissolving. Nope, got to do it with water. Or coffee. Sometimes I’ll do it with coffee, and it makes me feel like a private detective or something.

She walked into my office the way a nightmare walks into your sleep: uninvited, inescapable. Her legs were a motivational poster: they wouldn’t quit. Hang in there, kitty. I slugged two aspirin with a shot of joe and grabbed a revolver out of my desk. You never know with a dame like that. She asks you to investigate her tomcat husband, next thing you know you’re wearing concrete loafers in the East River.

Shit like that.

Geez, how much more is there to this survey? I just want a chance at free tickets, but this is really dragging on.

I don’t know your official ticketing partner, or your online betting partner, Denver Nuggets. I still can’t believe that shit’s legal. I see the ads, with celebrities encouraging morons to bet and they look like cigarette ads to me. Like, how can you push this shit?! Yeah, I’m talking to you Jamie Foxx. Then there’s always a phone number to call at the end for gambling addiction. Sure that’ll help. Why don’t you work on that when your car’s getting repossessed and all your shit is out on the front lawn.

Whole country is going to hell in a handbasket, if you ask me. A HANDBASKET. And I don’t even know what a handbasket it. Or why you go to hell in it. Seems like we could do better. Let’s brainstorm a few alternatives.

Whole country’s going to hell in a bobsled.

Whole country’s going to hell in a sweet ass Camaro.

Whole country’s going to hell in a chimp’s skull.

I don’t know. I’ll keep workshopping.

Which fast food service/quick service restaurant do I frequent the most?

None of them. I cut out fast food decades ago. I’m not a moron. Oh shit, Chipotle is on here? Yeah, I still eat Chipotle occasionally. You know what my favorite thing to do is? And you can borrow this. When you order online at Chipotle, on the app or whatever, you can just type in whatever name you want for each individual order. Then they print it on a little sticker that they slap on the side of the burrito. I’ll order a couple different items, for my family, and it’s like this one’s for Little Jimmy, that one’s for Don Don the Phenomenon, and of course the barbacoa is for Sweet Ronnie Ricketts. It’s a guaranteed laugh if you’re getting them for other people. Funny every time.

Except I think the Chipotle near my house got sick of it or something, because they stopped doing it. Guess they didn’t find it funny anymore. But no one stands between me and a good goof. So I started writing, “Officer,” in front of whatever silly name I wanted to riff on. Chipotle’s are always lousy with cops, and I figured they’d never not write a cop’s name on a burrito. They have to kiss major cop-ass in case they get robbed at gunpoint or whatever. They always give them free drinks and chips and shit. You see it all the time. So now I make my orders for Officer StinkNuts, Sergeant Ticklefight, Lieutenant BulliedInHighSchool. And they write it on the label. Every time.

Adam 1, Chipotle 0.

Jesus, this survey. None of your business what financial services I use! Or where I get groceries.

What ticketing service do you use to purchase Nuggets tickets?

Fucking Ticketmaster. Because you make me. And I hate Ticketmaster. Ever since Pearljam. Although, you know what’s crazy? I went and saw Pearljam, like two years ago. I was never that big a fan. No shade, they just didn’t do it for me. Eddie Vedder seemed kind of holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, a Pacific Northwest Bono. But I’m a big 90’s music head, love grunge, and they were coming through town, and it just felt like one of those bands you better see before it’s too late type of thing. Plus the algorithm kept feeding me videos of Eddie Vedder back in the day at shows, like climbing scaffolding, and doing outrageously dangerous shit, and I was like well okay this is pretty badass. So we got tickets. Me and the missus. Nosebleeds seats. And it still broke the bank. And you know what the craziest thing is? You know what ticketing platform we had to use to get those seats?! Fucking Tickemaster! Swear on my life. I bought Pearljam tickets, on Tickmaster. WTF. Whole world’s going to hell in a casket.

Ooh that’s it! That’s when you go to hell. When you’re in a casket. That has legs.

Last question: have you used any of the following brands in the last month?

Yeah, I’ve used, like three of those brands. But you’ll never know it, Denver Nuggets, because I’m selecting “None of the above!” What brands I use are my business. And that of my credit card. And mobile phone. And targeted ads. And Marc Zuckerberg. And Elon Musk. And the Google fuck.

But not you, Nuggs!

The only brand you need to know that I use is the Denver Nuggets. That’s my brand. So let me get them tickets, Nuggs. Pretty please? Let me get them sweet, sweet tickies. And dig deep this playoff run? Okay. I told myself when you won the championship in 2023 I wouldn’t get greedy. That we got one. We had a banner hanging in Ball Arena. And that was enough. We should be forever grateful.

But it wasn’t enough. We have the best player on the planet on our squad. Maybe the best player of all time. This freak, improvisational poet, this Serbian savant who takes the game as it comes to him, who tries shit no one else would even think of, this guy who puts up stat lines every other night where they’re like that’s the first time that’s ever happened in NBA history. You can’t waste this. You can’t. Please don’t. Please win another. For history. For legacy. For Jokic. For Sombor. For Denver. For the good of the sport.

And please give me those free tickets to see it happen.

Sincerely,

Officer Looseshitz

April Shows

Some great shows this month, gang!

But before we get to that, did you know that I am selling vinyl of my new special? It looks so good! If that’s your thing, message me, and I can sell you one and send it you in the mail! $30, plus shipping and handling and fondling.

To the shows!

If you live in LA I’ll be at Better Half this month, one of my favorite shows in the city.

April 9th - LA - Bar Bandini - Free

Then back to Colorado for a great show at LuLu’s Downtown in Colorado Springs.

April 11th - Colorado Springs, CO - LuLu’s Downtown - Tix

Then on to Austin, Texas, for the Moontower Comedy Festival. I’ve never been to Moontower before, and I hear nothing but good things. Can’t wait! And I’ll be performing my one-man show Happy Place while I’m there. Austin, I was blown away by how many folks showed up last time I was headlining Cap City. If you were at those shows, this one-man show is entirely different, all separate material, and maybe the best thing I’ve ever done. Love for you to come see it. The link below is for all my shows.

April 17-18 - Austin, Texas - Moontower Comedy Festival - Tix

Then it’s another killer Grawix, featuring High Plains Comedy Festival standout Django Gold, and Fort Collins killer Rosalie. Get tix to this one ASAP, gang. Trust me.

April 26 - Denver, CO - The Grawlix - Tix

Then our incredibly fun riffing-over-movies show, with Ben Roy and Rory Scovel. Tickets move quick for these, so hop on it.

April 29 - Denver, CO - Movie Night - Tix