Boycott the Colorado Rockies

In order to save this baseball team, we must destroy it.

As I type this the Colorado Rockies are 9-50.

Nine wins. Fifty losses.

They are, at this point, the worst team in the history of baseball.

The history of baseball.

That’s like saying the history of sand, or the history of manuscripts. The very teams that the Rockies knock daily from ignoble lists—teams with names like the Cleveland Spiders, and Louisville Colonels—had managers who fought in the Civil War, players who believed bloodletting was an effective way to remove “bad humors.”

And they were better at baseball than the Colorado Rockies.

You would think this would make me mad. It does not. It delights me. Just like it did two years ago, when the Rockies were on the cusp of their first 100 loss season. I rooted for that. Actively. I wanted the organization to bottom out. They didn’t disappoint. 103 losses.

Then last year, 101 losses. Made it by the skin of their feckless teeth.

This year, the sportswriters speculated that there was no way that the Rockies would lose 100 again. That the young guys were turning a corner. That the ballyhooed “player development” belched from the lips of front office fat guys would start to, you know, develop.

The 2025 Colorado Rockies were like hold my beer.

And all I do is laugh.

It makes me wonder how I ever cared so much about this ball club. How I ever ringed my hands and tried to suss out hope where there was no hope. How I ever shelled out cash, and proudly wore Rockies merch, and embraced the lovable loser tag because there was once no major league baseball in Colorado, and I was just so aw-shucks grateful that it had arrived.

I’ll tell you how. It’s not even all that complicated. It’s because I’m a homer. Plain and simple. If a team is from your home town, that’s your team.

End of story.

So when the Rockies came to town, back in 1993, I stopped rooting for the Cubs, and the Braves, the only two teams I could watch with any regularity because Mile High cable packages carried WGN and TBS at the time. That was all in the past. A miracle had occurred. Colorado got an expansion team.

I immediately threw my Braves hat in the trash. Got a new one with CR on the brim. Then a teacher threw that in the trash because a rumor was going around it meant “Crips Rule.” So I got one with the mountains on it instead. And nobody threw that hat in the trash. So I wore it. Proudly.

Who’s your favorite team, people would ask.

The Rockies, my reply. Because I’m from Denver.

My dad got season tickets. We went to so many games. From that first EY homer, to the Blake Street Bombers, to Rocktober, to Nolan and DJ and Trevor and Chuck Nazty. I once threw out an opening pitch. I did voiceover for an in-stadium pump up video they showed during a playoff game. I had a relationship with the Rockies.

And I wanted to keep that relationship alive. Even after I cooled on the team, after I finally came to Jesus after decades of this ownership showing me how little they cared about winning, I still thought bite your tongue, Adam. Don’t shit-talk the Rockies publicly. Keep doors open, and what not.

Now I could care less. I want nothing to do with a ball club that doesn’t care about winning. I want to be associated with teams that try.

Nuggets, Broncos, Avalanche, I’m open for business!

Especially you, my sweet, sweet Nuggets. Call me.

Those teams care about winning. And that’s all I ask out of a sports relationship. The bare minimum. Giving an actual fuck.

The Rockies can’t even do that.

People ask me who my favorite baseball team is now, and I don’t know what to say. I live in Colorado I confess with an embarrassed shrug. They look at me with knowing pity. As if to say, your team doesn’t count.

They’re right. We don’t count. We’re a total joke. And I’ve completely tuned out because of it. The Rockies are so bad I barely watch baseball anymore. I have become less of a fan of the sport.

Do you hear that, Major League Baseball?!

This team is actively turning people off of the sport. MLB is hemorrhaging fans. That’s why they added the pitch clock, instituted DH’s in both leagues, to try to make the game more exciting, to gain more fans. Yet here, in the Mountain West, MLB is losing an entire generation of potential baseball fans because the Rockies are that bad. My sons will be less interested in baseball because of my lack of interest. And theirs.

Repeat.

I need a local lens into a sport. A lot of fans do. I don’t want to watch the Yankees on some streaming package. I don’t want to follow the game through fantasy leagues, or betting. I want to watch my team, in my town. I want to go to games. I want to read local press. I want to hear the sports guys talk about them on the radio. And all that I need in return is for them to show me they give a shit.

But the Rockies have shown us time and again that they do not care about providing quality baseball. They have shown us by refusing to hire from outside the organization. They refuse to admit that there is a losing culture here, then bring in outside voices to right the ship. That makes too much sense. Instead, they fire the GM, and promote from within. They fire the manager, and promote from within.

One loser shuffled after another.

The Rockies have shown us they don’t care about winning by having the smallest analytics department in the majors. In this modern, digital era of advanced metrics, where every swing, pitch, spit, crotch-grab can be measured and obsessed over for optimal success. The Rockies flatly refuse to keep up. Other small market teams that regularly make the playoffs—the Diamondbacks, the Brewers, the Rays—employ twelve, thirteen nerds to pour over data, Moneyball-style. The Rockies have six. Begrudgingly. And odds are they spend most of their time counting Dick Monfort’s empties.

Ah yes, Dick Monfort, the owner of the Colorado Rockies, the nepo meat-packing baby who blew in to Denver from Greeley like the foul, shit-smelling wind.

Dick Monfort is the problem.

Stop banging your head against the wall over thin air. It’s Monfort, stupid. That’s where it starts, that’s where it ends. Even if they beefed up the analytics department, even if they hired from outside the organization, that would just be a Band-Aid on a beached whale. Monfort has to go. Has to. He doesn’t care if they win or lose.

SELL THE TEAM.

But, Adam, why would the owner of a Major League baseball team not care about winning?

Because he doesn’t have to, he’s getting your money either way. People keep flocking to Coors Field regardless. The stadium is a gem, summers in Denver rule, everyone likes to get drunk, why not do it in a ballpark?

It’s a foolproof formula.

Plus half of Denver are transplants; anytime the Dodgers, or the Cubs, or the Cardinals, or…whoever, come to town, people from those cities trot out their childhood jerseys and pack Coors Field to the rafters.

And Monfort lines his pockets.

Coors Field is a bar with a baseball team. The Monfort’s are in the real estate biz. The Rockies are just part of their investment portfolio.

And I hate that.

So here’s a novel idea: stop going to games.

Right now.

Stop giving the Colorado Rockies your money.

Stop it.

But I want my kids to see baseball!

Me too. But I want them to see good baseball. Baseball that ignites the spark. Baseball worth watching.

And that is never going to happen with Dick Monfort owning the Rockies.

Sure, they may get lucky and make the playoffs every eight, ten years—currently the drought is at seven seasons—but this organization is broken. The product sucks, across the board. So let’s fix it. Let’s fix it because the owners can’t, the owners won’t.

And it starts by not giving them money.

Make the bottom line so bad on the Colorado Rockies that the Monfort’s are forced to sell.

They’re not going to sell to another city, they’re too invested here. Look at all the shitty bars the Monfort’s bought up around Coors Field; they’re all in on LoDo. But if the Rockies are losing money, their hand will be forced. They’ll sell to someone who can capably run a baseball team here, in Denver, because their nearby holdings will continue to benefit with people flocking to 20^th and Blake, likely with renewed vigor with some new billionaire in charge. Hell, maybe they’ll even get some October bar earnings, because the team will start making playoffs.

Can you imagine?!

I sure can. And I’m just so in love with the idea. A baseball team in my hometown that actually gives a shit? Christmas in July!

Help me get there. Help us get there. Give this city, this top five American sports city, the baseball team it deserves. Take away this bad one, purge the purple nightmare.

STOP GOING TO ROCKIES GAMES.

FORCE A SELL.

If you’re a baseball fan and you give the Colorado Rockies money, you are stupid.

I was once stupid. But I’m not anymore. Well, in a lot of other ways I’m actually quite stupid still. I leave the burner on my stove on, like, a concerning amount. But I’m not stupid about the Rockies. Not anymore.

For I believe it was no less than Dick Monfort, the Rockies owner himself, who took to his iPad one night a few years back, and told you the exact formula for what is needed to turn this loser organization around.

“If product and experience that bad don’t come,” he replied to disgruntled fan.

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Dick with a capital D. Actually, I tend to write in complete sentences, so I probably could have, but still. The point remains.

Boycott the Colorado Rockies. It’s the only way to save the Colorado Rockies.

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June Shows

Phew. That felt good.

Oh, and that “Sell” t-shirt up above? You can buy that. I have one. You should get it too. Wear it to Coors Field. I beg of you, wear it to Coors Field.

Pick it up at my buddy Tyler’s site, DeCo Apparel. Lots of great stuff over there.

Also, before I get into shows for this month, I just wanted to say THANK YOU so much to everyone who has been paying to subscribe to this Substack. I’m really amazed by your generosity. I’m remarkably bad at tech stuff, so I just figured out how to see who is in fact paying me money to write this thing, and it’s very touching, and cool of you to do that. It’s hard to be a creative, and getting harder all the time. I never wanted this to turn into a patronage situation, but still, from the bottom of my screeds, thank you. It means the world.

And also very cool of you to subscribe and not pay anything at all!

All cool.

WE’RE ALL COOL.

Everything is going to be fine.

Promise.

Shows!

Out of state fans, bad news for you. I’m not getting on a plane in June. While I know this is devastating, it is good for my June soul. And I’m not just saying that to be poetic. My birthday is June 2nd. In lieu of gifts, come see me headline the Denver Comedy Underground! Only time I’m running the full hour around Denver for a minute.

June 5 - Denver - Denver Comedy Underground - Tix

Then it’s Movie Night time! Last show sold out, and this show has a full head of steam. So if I were you I would get tickets now!

June 12 - Denver - Bug Theater - Tix

Then bringing it all home, Grawlix style, with a truly great lineup of Joshua Emerson, Babs Gray, and headliner Kiry Shabbaz, a dude who made me laugh so hard at my Don’t Tell Comedy taping I shot IPA out of my nose. It burned. Pretty bad.

June 28 - Denver - Bug Theater - Tix

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The Monthly Clip

God damn, Adam. Great clip. Way to go.

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Before you go, give the ole socials a follow!

And if you haven’t checked out my new special on YouTube yet, dig in!

Happy June, gang. Stop giving the Colorado Rockies money.