Welcome, and Fuck You!

by Your Airbnb

Hello, it’s me! Your Airbnb! Thanks for booking me!

As your host, please allow me to be the first to say: fuck you!

Can I tell you, up front, how much I admire your adventurous spirit? Sure, you could have chosen to live like some corporate fat-cat, raking in Bonvoy Rewards points while gobbling down Foie gras, but you didn’t. You wanted to live like the locals live: in a slot-home investment property that literally started gentrification.

Way to go, Jack Kerouac.

Come on in! Let me show you the place!

What’s that?

The smell?

Like three cats smoked a carton of Winston’s?

Yeah, that’s not going anywhere. We had Stanley Steamer in here a baker’s dozen times, cleaning ladies go buck wild with Febreze, still nothing. It’s all just a Band-Aid on an axe-wound. But honestly, if you knew some of the shit that has gone down on that couch, I think you’d be impressed it only smells this bad.

You get used to it, though.

Like the low hum of an air conditioner or lead in your drinking water.

This is the living room; it’s all cheap IKEA bullshit. They paid some TaskRabbit dude to set it up, and he had zero idea what he was doing. He didn’t even bring tools. Just showed up, tool-less, and used the Allen Wrench that came with the furniture; which would have been fine if he had done a good job, but when he finished there were all these extra screws everywhere. Seriously, like twenty-five extra screws.

I mean, look at that coffee table. It wobbles when you sneeze. You got little kids that are going to climb on that thing? Forget it. It will straight up explode. At which point we’ll recoup your damage deposit.

Because again, fuck you.

Like how the living room feeds right into the kitchen? Of course, you do. You love an open concept, you HGTV basic bitch. Open like a rib cage in a triple bypass. That sweet, generic concept holds your hand right into la cocina, which is the real showstopper.

Huge island, range hood the size of an F150. It doesn’t work but look at all that stainless steel. Nothing says class like stainless steel, and this kitchen straight up shits class. It’s fake, mind you, mostly polypropylene and PVC, which can cause cancer in certain instances, but what is this, the state of California? We don’t have to disclose anything! Just open that fridge and look inside.

Nice, right?

Few bars of fancy chocolate, couple of Fiji’s. What’s that in the door?! Two bottles of Josh-brand wine?!

Believe dat.

That stuff’s like $35 a case at CostCo, but it never fails to impress dumb fucks like you. Guests see that and are all ooh la la they gave us free wine!

They sure did! Know what they didn’t do? Change the furnace filter. Literally, not even once. That whole unit is absolutely going to burst into flames one night.

Wonder if you’ll be here when it does?

Say, let me ask you a question: are you planning on cooking a nice dinner during your stay? Maybe hitting up the farmer’s market and seeing what local produce tickles your fancy? Yeah, you are, Anthony Bourdain.

Go ahead, try. Try to cook something.

Here, start with this tiny cutting board.

This paperback-sized cutting board.

Bet you can cut, like, four mushrooms on that thing. Tops. If the knives were sharp, that is. Which they are aren’t. You couldn’t cut dick with these knives. If Lorena Bobbitt had tried to cut off her husband’s schlonger with these knives, it wouldn’t have even been a story. The knife would have been too dull. Like banging a stick against an elephant trunk. Maybe she gets in a nick or two, but those would just scar over.

Big whoop.

Washer/dryer? Right this way, my liege!

It’s in the garage. There’s a lockbox code in the email we sent, but it’s the wrong code. So, you won’t actually have access to the washer/dryer, which doesn’t work anyway, on account of fuck you.

Of course, upstairs we got your standard-issue master bedroom. Full-size bed, as opposed to King or Queen, because fuck you, oh and quick heads up: do not take the sheets off, whatever you do. There is a human-birth amount of blood on that mattress.

My god.

Got a flat screen on the wall, but the remote is missing, and there’s no power button. You can poke around on the top, and the back, but yeah, there’s nothing there. Not that the TV is connected to anything anyway. We found that thing in the alley. You think we got Apple TV? One of those little black boxes? Get real.

You won’t be able to watch anything on that flat screen. But you know what you can do? Go fuck yourself.

There’s a shared bathroom in the hallway: no shower curtain, no towels, but we’ve glossed over the absence of these bare minimums with three—count ‘em!—three bottles of Transit Reviving Body Wash and Shampoo! Notice how we mounted them right to the shower wall? Just like a hotel?

You’d be amazed how much you can get away with if you make even a few things feel like a hotel. Basket of fruit and crackers, some travel sized toiletries, people are bowled over. Don’t believe me? Open up the medicine cabinet. Nice, right?! Got a few shrink-wrapped toothbrushes in there, some tiny bottles of moisturizer. You know what we don’t have? A carbon monoxide detector, anywhere in the house.

But hey, are you going to sit around inside all day sucking fumes, or go see the city?

Get out there, Magellan! Soak up the vibes!

Which are honestly pretty toxic one house directly to the north. They hate us. Property taxes doubled in the last four years, as a direct result of this rental, so yeah, best not to even acknowledge the neighbors, no matter what the old man yells.

Do me a solid: message me if you see them tossing glass bottles into the backyard? It’s a whole thing.

If you’re taking in the sights, best to hurry along the three city blocks between here and the commercial district directly west. Still pretty gnarly, despite the great lengths we went to paint the picture to the contrary on our profile. Yeah, go ahead and just breeze on by that one house with all the pit bulls, and definitely don’t linger by the bail bond.

Once you hit the vape shop, though, smooth sailing! All the dumb shit you love: a brewery, or a distillery, I forget which; and then there’s that new coffeeshop with all the subway tile and the matcha drinks. Plus, I read a Shake Shack is going in soon! So, you know, we came, we saw, or whatever.

Think the rest is pretty self-explanatory. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to message us at any time, day or night. We won’t respond until one hour after you have checked out, and when we do, we’ll make up some horrific excuse about why we couldn’t get back to you sooner.

A niece or nephew with leukemia.

A parent with dementia who went missing from the nursing home.

Something that fills you with shame juxtaposed against your petty quibble. It’ll be so convincing you won’t even ding us with a negative review. You’ll think about it, but then you’ll just be like oh forget it. You’ll just want to move on from this whole experience and be done with it. And then we’ll do the exact same thing to the next person who rents our Airbnb.

Because fuck them.

And fuck you too.

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August Shows

Some really fun shows this month, gang!

Like, for real.

First and foremost, finally living out my fantasy of being THE birding comedian, by appearing at the SE Arizona Birding Festival in glorious Tucson, AZ! I’ll be going out on two birding trips while I’m there, but I’ll also be doing a show at 191 Toole on August 8th. If you know anyone in Tucson, let them know.

August 8 - Tucson, AZ - 191 Toole - Tix

Denver folks always ask me when they can catch a headlining-length set, and the great news for those exact folks is I’m playing at my buddy Nick Holmby’s new studio space, DudeIDK Studios on August 15th! The venue is incredibly charming and right smack dab in the heart of Five Points. This one is a slam dunk.

Space is very limited, so get tickets before they’re gone.

August 15 - Denver - DudeIDK Studios - Tix

When’s the next Movie Night! The show where I riff over movies of yesteryear with Rory Scovel and Ben Roy?! Great question! Coming right up.

August 20 - Denver - Bug Theater - Tix

Then it’s on to Bread Bar! Every summer I try to do a show here. Bread Bar, as they say on their site, “is a mountainside drinking establishment at the heart of the continental divide.” Housed inside an 1800’s-era bakery, it’s this old, tiny cocktail bar in the tiny former-mining town of Silver Plume, just past Georgetown, and it is an absolute Colorado treasure. These shows are really special, pure mountain summer magic, and I’m bringing my homey Kate McLachlan to open for me.

Very limited tix as well so grab ‘em now! And check out the killer art my buddy Adam Mayhew made to promote the show. Get tix now!

August 23 - Silver Plume - Bread Bar - Tix

Then onto Chicago, America’s Best Summer City, as determined by me, Adam Cayton-Holland Illinois Lifestyle Magazine! Playing a tiny venue so get tickets quick before they’re gone. And holy smokes, look at this poster for the show, by my buddy Geoff Tice!

August 27 - Chicago, IL - Lincoln Lodge - Tix

These shows are going to be a total blast and I hope to see you there! Tell any friends you may know in the area. Lately, after shows, people keep asking me, “how come you’re not more famous? Why aren’t you selling out stadiums?”

I’m not even kidding. A guy literally asked me why I’m not selling out stadiums. And that kind of rules, because it means people are really loving what I’m doing, but it also kind of sucks because the answer by me is always, I have no idea.

But I have a feeling people telling their friends to go to my shows really helps. So tell your friends, pretty please.

It helps.

And if you’re reading the Substack, come up and tell me after! I’ll probably do a back or front handspring, depending on my mood/state of my pelvis.

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The Monthly Clip

God damn, Adam. Great clip. Way to go.

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Before you go, give the ole socials a follow

And if you’re in need of vinyl, message me. Still slinging wax of the new special.

Hey thanks so much for reading this Substack. If you want to share it, that would rule. If you want to pay to read it, that would rule too. It all rules.